In the presence of those who did not drink, I never thought to drink.
Jack London
Quitting drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic stop drinking, save him to solve some of their problems (for example, housing), will achieve nothing. Love alone is also not enough to help get rid of the most difficult addiction, you still need to know what to do. Since it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a certain situation makes relatives, sparing an alcoholic, create the wrong stereotype of relationship with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism, and they themselves become dependent on each other.
The traditional role played by relatives of alcoholics, most often the woman, is the role of "nanny". In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around them are unaware of the presence of an alcohol problem. It provides for the family, keeps order at home, raises children, and this education also has its own characteristics: children who at a young age are taught not to take "dirty clothes in public". The relationship with the "half" of drinking "nanny" depends on the condition in which this "half" is. During a pastime the "nanny" takes care of an alcoholic: finds him in the places where he drinks, and brings him home; calls to work and says he is sick; tries to neutralize his aggression, enduring frequent beatings and insults; nourishes and washes it.
During a measured period, the "nanny" can continue to protect and satisfy the alcoholic, hoping in this way to keep him from drinking, or, conversely, as if acting out, to charge him with various deeds and tasks. In both cases, after a while, another fun develops and everything starts from scratch. Such a cyclical relationship algorithm can exist for an arbitrarily long time. Not only does the "nanny" with her actions only worsen the development of alcoholism, - after all, she herself can not live otherwise. This is why so often alcoholics' wives, when remarried, again choose drunks or drug addicts as their companions.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is sick with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is to do nothing that contributes to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The drinking person has to solve his own problems.
Well, since he creates them for himself, let him decide. Otherwise, he will not have a hindrance before drinking the other alcohol, as he will hope for your help. Sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity: the husband has spent to drink the whole "family pot", there is nothing in the house, and the wife runs around her acquaintances, borrows money to pay her husband's debts, towhich he did long merry
In trying to save, you do not need to call an alcoholic at work and say he is seriously and suddenly ill. First, it is not good to cheat - do not set a bad example for children; second, after two or three such calls, no one will simply trust you and they will at least laugh at you in silence; and third - today you will save him from a simple blow, which, perhaps, would have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even more and, in the end, lose his job.
Completely unacceptable, from our point of view, the situation when compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves to make an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer a loved one medicine or any other poison.
treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on his body, then you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that he moves less and does notexperience pain. As a result, all of this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, an abscess opens, a course of antibiotics "pierces", even though this is also quite painful, then there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, then you better not keep them.
Alcoholics, addicts and drug addicts are very sensitive about where it is possible to achieve something and where there will be a categorical rejection. In this respect, they are like children, and often need to be communicated with as children: where necessary - praise, and where necessary - punishment. But no single episode, even the most insignificant one related to the use of alcohol should be left without your attention, and, of course, it is necessary that the degree of "punishment" corresponds to the degree of "violation. "And do not be confused by the strong age and representative appearance of the "culprit". Sound carrot and stick policies often work well in a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
Thus, for example, if a woman promises her husband that in case of another pleasure she will divorce him, and he literally comes "in his eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she should writea divorce declaration and ask her husband to sign that he agrees. The application submitted to the registry office can always be removed, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the man think about his problems much faster than numerous insults and unfulfilled promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be consistently negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the most minimal, even the smell of smoke, should not be left without your negative evaluation. That's not to say you have to make dish-breaking scandals every time. By no means do I want to convey that I recommend for the mother to be inactive. his and that he drinks exclusively because of itSuch situations should be discussed calmly, of course - in a prudent head, their reasons should be analyzed and real conclusions drawn. It should look something like this:
- Expensive! Yesterday at a party you drank again, despite your promise not to do so. It was very uncomfortable for me because at the end of the evening you looked completely inappropriate, and the return from you was just scary, you behaved so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood due to trouble at work, and I decided to drink a little, so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the lady's husband, who kept pouring for me all the time, so I had no time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. That's probably why I went overseas.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then he should keep it! And it turns out that it is easier for you to break the promise given than to say "no" when you are pouring vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I do not understand! Let us not deceive ourselves! Over the past year, we have to talk about this more and more often - I think it's time to consult a specialist.
- You need - you and be treated.
- First, we both need it, and second, no one will treat you, we will just talk to a psychotherapist about how to behave in some drinking-related situations.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often he resists in every possible way, referring to the lack of free time, the uselessness of this visit and many other reasons"valid". You need to be firm and with each new episode of alcohol, more and more resolutely insist on your own. Moreover, if conversations are ineffective, do not hesitate to use other methods of pressure, which your intuition and knowledge of your loved one's character should stimulate you. By the way, do not forget to periodically recall that in developed countries every self-respecting person has his own psychologist, with whom he meets periodically. And not having it is as embarrassing as, for example, riding on a bent "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic should have a special logical conclusion.
Your every conversation, every disagreement about an existing alcohol problem should end with some kind of constructive decision. Under no circumstances should you stop halfway and allow your patient's alcoholic "I" to deceive everyone once again and force them to postpone real actions against alcohol indefinitely. Since usually such conversations end with the alcoholic promising to quit drinking, and everyone officially calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself again, and so on - ad infinitum. So if your drinking relative tells you that he understood everything, understood, deeply regretted and will not be like that again, take his word that if he still drinks at least once (no matter how much), he willgo together to a psychologist
When saving from intoxication, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing a patient's relatives can do is also not drink or keep alcoholic beverages at home. Alcohol in such a house can be only in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, bright green and the like). And although many of our patients, who have not drunk for many years, feel completely at ease in drinking companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The fewer provocative factors, the calmer. This is first, and second, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic, who categorically does not consider himself as such, educates and tries to help another more "successful" alcoholic in creating (along with the Green Snake) daily and social problems. Clearly the cries for a sober life sound unconvincing if they get smoke on you, and the difference between a sick person and a similarly "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost his job andhis wife has not yet left him Me
Do not hide the fact that your boyfriend has a problem with alcohol.
This is not about an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken madness. No, but you should not deceive anyone, deceive, claiming that you know nothing. Under no circumstances should you deceive children, let alone force them to tell a lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who have an influence on alcoholics in solving the problem: parents, grown children, friends, bosses, colleagues, will help promote the cause - do not hesitate to tell them everything and ask for help.
Conversation with the alcoholic should be essential.
Suffice it to say that he drinks a lot and often. To him, this is an empty phrase. You need to prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you are going to involve someone else in this. To do this, it will be helpful to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication, and the behavior in this condition. Simply put, you should keep a diary and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to film drunken flights on video, this should be done, and you will discuss the moral and ethical aspects of such actions when saving your boyfriend for the consequences of a serious illness andincurable.
The alcoholic should be given objective information about his illness.
A drinking person unconsciously perceives any information one-sidedly: he hears and sees only what he wants, and what he does not want - he ignores it, ignoring it. Of course, only that information is allowed in the consciousness that does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake. The role of censorship is played by that very alcoholic "I", the inner voice that sounds inside every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, disguises, adapts everything related to drinking to the norm.
In this regard, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the addressee, it is necessary to approach the solution of the problem creatively. You will not get anywhere if you stick over all the walls with pieces of newspapers and posters against alcohol. But if you, as a coincidence, tell him that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was a few years younger than you, is already in the Hereafter, and his future pleasure is guilty of it, an alcoholic can become thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after he barely recognized his schoolmate in one of the homeless dancing in the trash.
Make sure you let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written so that it is interesting for everyone to read.
Help the sober "I" of the alcoholic.
Do not expect the alcoholic to start changing his or her life stereotype, but actively (but not intrusively) assist in this. Take it to cinemas, theaters, sports fields, take it out of town, introduce it to interesting people. The alcoholic himself (unless, of course, he is still socially adjusted) is often very difficult to do so, as he is in constant time trouble - most of his time is taken by the Green Snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side to approach them.